Funny Quotes
Press forsake! Go ahead and press 'forsake now' !
It's like, I became such a good person, I almost forgot... I'm a world class liar, baby !
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
Listen, I have an update from Taako Central. I've updated my list of people I trust and things I believe to no one and nothing ! Not a joke, I don't trust you, half-pint, I don't trust Jeff from Today's Special, I don't trust Barold whatever-his-name - nobody, I trust nobody.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
A lawyer dies and goes to hell. The devil says he'll make a deal with him. He can go to heaven if he gives up the souls of his wife and two kids. 'Sure' says the lawyer, 'but what's the catch ? '
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
At ten years old I actually thought that the reason I was getting glasses was that I couldn't tell what my parents looked like, because every time I asked my mother to buy me something she'd say, 'What do I look like - a bank ?'
Our furniture goes back to louis the fourteenth - unless of course we pay him before then.
I don't give a shit.
Between this fan and the fancy sunbrella, I'm one 16 inch waist away from Scarlett O'Hara !
I'm Multi-Dimensional !
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.
Tonight's weather forecast - dark, with continued darkness until morning.
Praise does wonders for the sense of hearing.
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.
Congress is the only insane asylum that's run by the inmates.
When you shoot a mime, should you use blanks ?
Do you think that there is a word that contains all of the vowels? Unquestionably.
Time is the great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb ? Just one, but it requires 21 office visits and 4 X-rays.
Most appreciated after dinner speech - I'll pay the check.
Think of me as a sex symbol for men who don't give a damn.
As a writer, I tell stories and people give me money. Then financial planners tell me stories, and I give them money.
The only reason I would take up jogging would be to hear heavy breathing again.
Title of newspaper article yesterday - Vandals made off with all toilet seats in the local precinct. Police have nothing to go on.
Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I find it too confining.
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
Girls got balls. They're just a little higher up, that's all.
Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are made.
Changes in life are not only possible and predictable, but to deny them is to be an accomplice to one's own unnecessary vegetation.
Without music, life would be a mistake.
Love may make the world go around, but it's laughter that keeps us from getting dizzy.
What's another word for thesaurus ?
Is it just me or is the grim reaper a straight-up hottie ?
To err is human. To really screw up, you need a computer.
If I had more time, I'd write a shorter speech.
If you didn't know me, would you think I was a stranger ?
I know that I will die laughing.
No matter where you go, there you are.
Sign: "Illiterate? Write for free help."
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb ? That depends on whether it has medical insurance.
Appreciate me now, and avoid the rush.
I can levitate birds, but nobody cares.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
"I guess our offense was boring me a little bit" - when asked about dozing off on the sideline.
In Heaven the economy is run by the Germans, the French do the cooking, and the police are English. In Hell the economy is run by the French, the English do the cooking, and the police are German.
In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations – it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
Bad news, compadres, this place is magic as hell.
How can you tell the difference between a run-over snake and a run-over lawyer? There are skid marks in front of the snake.
Bumper Sticker - Join the Army. See the world, travel to far away places, meet exotic people and kill them.