Funny Quotes
Most appreciated after dinner speech - I'll pay the check.
Sign: "Illiterate? Write for free help."
I know that I will die laughing.
Praise does wonders for the sense of hearing.
Between this fan and the fancy sunbrella, I'm one 16 inch waist away from Scarlett O'Hara !
I make wine at home. I make it out of raisins so that it will be aged automatically.
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
Do you think that there is a word that contains all of the vowels? Unquestionably.
The only reason I would take up jogging would be to hear heavy breathing again.
Press forsake! Go ahead and press 'forsake now' !
What's another word for thesaurus ?
Whenever I think of the past it just brings back so many memories.
I may not be perfect, but some parts of me are excellent.
How can you tell the difference between a run-over snake and a run-over lawyer? There are skid marks in front of the snake.
Congress is the only insane asylum that's run by the inmates.
Bad news, compadres, this place is magic as hell.
Without music, life would be a mistake.
When you shoot a mime, should you use blanks ?
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Appreciate me now, and avoid the rush.
Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are made.
If you ever feel like having a child, go to a restaurant and sit next to one.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
Girls got balls. They're just a little higher up, that's all.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
Bumper Sticker - Join the Army. See the world, travel to far away places, meet exotic people and kill them.
If you didn't know me, would you think I was a stranger ?
In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations – it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
A lawyer dies and goes to hell. The devil says he'll make a deal with him. He can go to heaven if he gives up the souls of his wife and two kids. 'Sure' says the lawyer, 'but what's the catch ? '
If I had more time, I'd write a shorter speech.
Listen, I have an update from Taako Central. I've updated my list of people I trust and things I believe to no one and nothing ! Not a joke, I don't trust you, half-pint, I don't trust Jeff from Today's Special, I don't trust Barold whatever-his-name - nobody, I trust nobody.
"I guess our offense was boring me a little bit" - when asked about dozing off on the sideline.
Time is the great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb ? That depends on whether it has medical insurance.
I can levitate birds, but nobody cares.
Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I find it too confining.
I don't give a shit.
Changes in life are not only possible and predictable, but to deny them is to be an accomplice to one's own unnecessary vegetation.
Our furniture goes back to louis the fourteenth - unless of course we pay him before then.
No matter where you go, there you are.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.
In Heaven the economy is run by the Germans, the French do the cooking, and the police are English. In Hell the economy is run by the French, the English do the cooking, and the police are German.
Tonight's weather forecast - dark, with continued darkness until morning.
At ten years old I actually thought that the reason I was getting glasses was that I couldn't tell what my parents looked like, because every time I asked my mother to buy me something she'd say, 'What do I look like - a bank ?'
I'm Multi-Dimensional !
To err is human. To really screw up, you need a computer.
It's like, I became such a good person, I almost forgot... I'm a world class liar, baby !
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb ? Just one, but it requires 21 office visits and 4 X-rays.
Is it just me or is the grim reaper a straight-up hottie ?
Title of newspaper article yesterday - Vandals made off with all toilet seats in the local precinct. Police have nothing to go on.