Funny Quotes
Love may make the world go around, but it's laughter that keeps us from getting dizzy.
Tonight's weather forecast - dark, with continued darkness until morning.
I can levitate birds, but nobody cares.
Sign: "Illiterate? Write for free help."
Title of newspaper article yesterday - Vandals made off with all toilet seats in the local precinct. Police have nothing to go on.
Listen, I have an update from Taako Central. I've updated my list of people I trust and things I believe to no one and nothing ! Not a joke, I don't trust you, half-pint, I don't trust Jeff from Today's Special, I don't trust Barold whatever-his-name - nobody, I trust nobody.
I make wine at home. I make it out of raisins so that it will be aged automatically.
Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are made.
I don't give a shit.
The only reason I would take up jogging would be to hear heavy breathing again.
In Heaven the economy is run by the Germans, the French do the cooking, and the police are English. In Hell the economy is run by the French, the English do the cooking, and the police are German.
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
Bad news, compadres, this place is magic as hell.
I know that I will die laughing.
It's like, I became such a good person, I almost forgot... I'm a world class liar, baby !
Our furniture goes back to louis the fourteenth - unless of course we pay him before then.
When you shoot a mime, should you use blanks ?
If you ever feel like having a child, go to a restaurant and sit next to one.
A lawyer dies and goes to hell. The devil says he'll make a deal with him. He can go to heaven if he gives up the souls of his wife and two kids. 'Sure' says the lawyer, 'but what's the catch ? '
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Appreciate me now, and avoid the rush.
Whenever I think of the past it just brings back so many memories.
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb ? Just one, but it requires 21 office visits and 4 X-rays.
Congress is the only insane asylum that's run by the inmates.
Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I find it too confining.
If you didn't know me, would you think I was a stranger ?
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.
Is it just me or is the grim reaper a straight-up hottie ?
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
I'm Multi-Dimensional !
Girls got balls. They're just a little higher up, that's all.
Bumper Sticker - Join the Army. See the world, travel to far away places, meet exotic people and kill them.
Without music, life would be a mistake.
Between this fan and the fancy sunbrella, I'm one 16 inch waist away from Scarlett O'Hara !
What's another word for thesaurus ?
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
How can you tell the difference between a run-over snake and a run-over lawyer? There are skid marks in front of the snake.
Most appreciated after dinner speech - I'll pay the check.
Press forsake! Go ahead and press 'forsake now' !
"I guess our offense was boring me a little bit" - when asked about dozing off on the sideline.
To err is human. To really screw up, you need a computer.
Praise does wonders for the sense of hearing.
Do you think that there is a word that contains all of the vowels? Unquestionably.
No matter where you go, there you are.
If I had more time, I'd write a shorter speech.
As a writer, I tell stories and people give me money. Then financial planners tell me stories, and I give them money.
Time is the great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
I may not be perfect, but some parts of me are excellent.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations – it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.