Funny Quotes
To err is human. To really screw up, you need a computer.
I may not be perfect, but some parts of me are excellent.
Do you think that there is a word that contains all of the vowels? Unquestionably.
Congress is the only insane asylum that's run by the inmates.
How can you tell the difference between a run-over snake and a run-over lawyer? There are skid marks in front of the snake.
As a writer, I tell stories and people give me money. Then financial planners tell me stories, and I give them money.
I can levitate birds, but nobody cares.
Think of me as a sex symbol for men who don't give a damn.
I know that I will die laughing.
Changes in life are not only possible and predictable, but to deny them is to be an accomplice to one's own unnecessary vegetation.
Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are made.
In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations – it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
"I guess our offense was boring me a little bit" - when asked about dozing off on the sideline.
It's like, I became such a good person, I almost forgot... I'm a world class liar, baby !
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.
Is it just me or is the grim reaper a straight-up hottie ?
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb ? That depends on whether it has medical insurance.
Press forsake! Go ahead and press 'forsake now' !
Title of newspaper article yesterday - Vandals made off with all toilet seats in the local precinct. Police have nothing to go on.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
If you ever feel like having a child, go to a restaurant and sit next to one.
I don't give a shit.
At ten years old I actually thought that the reason I was getting glasses was that I couldn't tell what my parents looked like, because every time I asked my mother to buy me something she'd say, 'What do I look like - a bank ?'
Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I find it too confining.
I make wine at home. I make it out of raisins so that it will be aged automatically.
Without music, life would be a mistake.
Love may make the world go around, but it's laughter that keeps us from getting dizzy.
Praise does wonders for the sense of hearing.
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
Our furniture goes back to louis the fourteenth - unless of course we pay him before then.
The only reason I would take up jogging would be to hear heavy breathing again.
Tonight's weather forecast - dark, with continued darkness until morning.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
A lawyer dies and goes to hell. The devil says he'll make a deal with him. He can go to heaven if he gives up the souls of his wife and two kids. 'Sure' says the lawyer, 'but what's the catch ? '
No matter where you go, there you are.
Appreciate me now, and avoid the rush.
Girls got balls. They're just a little higher up, that's all.
Sign: "Illiterate? Write for free help."
What's another word for thesaurus ?
In Heaven the economy is run by the Germans, the French do the cooking, and the police are English. In Hell the economy is run by the French, the English do the cooking, and the police are German.
If you didn't know me, would you think I was a stranger ?
Between this fan and the fancy sunbrella, I'm one 16 inch waist away from Scarlett O'Hara !
Whenever I think of the past it just brings back so many memories.
I'm Multi-Dimensional !
When you shoot a mime, should you use blanks ?
Most appreciated after dinner speech - I'll pay the check.
Time is the great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb ? Just one, but it requires 21 office visits and 4 X-rays.
Bumper Sticker - Join the Army. See the world, travel to far away places, meet exotic people and kill them.