Funny Quotes
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb ? That depends on whether it has medical insurance.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb ? Just one, but it requires 21 office visits and 4 X-rays.
Bumper Sticker - Join the Army. See the world, travel to far away places, meet exotic people and kill them.
Sign: "Illiterate? Write for free help."
Bad news, compadres, this place is magic as hell.
In Heaven the economy is run by the Germans, the French do the cooking, and the police are English. In Hell the economy is run by the French, the English do the cooking, and the police are German.
To err is human. To really screw up, you need a computer.
Tonight's weather forecast - dark, with continued darkness until morning.
Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I find it too confining.
Most appreciated after dinner speech - I'll pay the check.
Congress is the only insane asylum that's run by the inmates.
Whenever I think of the past it just brings back so many memories.
Praise does wonders for the sense of hearing.
I may not be perfect, but some parts of me are excellent.
Press forsake! Go ahead and press 'forsake now' !
If you didn't know me, would you think I was a stranger ?
Without music, life would be a mistake.
"I guess our offense was boring me a little bit" - when asked about dozing off on the sideline.
A lawyer dies and goes to hell. The devil says he'll make a deal with him. He can go to heaven if he gives up the souls of his wife and two kids. 'Sure' says the lawyer, 'but what's the catch ? '
What's another word for thesaurus ?
When you shoot a mime, should you use blanks ?
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
Our furniture goes back to louis the fourteenth - unless of course we pay him before then.
In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations – it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
I'm Multi-Dimensional !
Listen, I have an update from Taako Central. I've updated my list of people I trust and things I believe to no one and nothing ! Not a joke, I don't trust you, half-pint, I don't trust Jeff from Today's Special, I don't trust Barold whatever-his-name - nobody, I trust nobody.
Time is the great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
If you ever feel like having a child, go to a restaurant and sit next to one.
Do you think that there is a word that contains all of the vowels? Unquestionably.
If I had more time, I'd write a shorter speech.
I can levitate birds, but nobody cares.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
The only reason I would take up jogging would be to hear heavy breathing again.
It's like, I became such a good person, I almost forgot... I'm a world class liar, baby !
Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are made.
I don't give a shit.
I know that I will die laughing.
Title of newspaper article yesterday - Vandals made off with all toilet seats in the local precinct. Police have nothing to go on.
I make wine at home. I make it out of raisins so that it will be aged automatically.
At ten years old I actually thought that the reason I was getting glasses was that I couldn't tell what my parents looked like, because every time I asked my mother to buy me something she'd say, 'What do I look like - a bank ?'
How can you tell the difference between a run-over snake and a run-over lawyer? There are skid marks in front of the snake.
Girls got balls. They're just a little higher up, that's all.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.
Appreciate me now, and avoid the rush.
Think of me as a sex symbol for men who don't give a damn.
Between this fan and the fancy sunbrella, I'm one 16 inch waist away from Scarlett O'Hara !
Love may make the world go around, but it's laughter that keeps us from getting dizzy.
No matter where you go, there you are.
Changes in life are not only possible and predictable, but to deny them is to be an accomplice to one's own unnecessary vegetation.