Funny Quotes
Between this fan and the fancy sunbrella, I'm one 16 inch waist away from Scarlett O'Hara !
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
If you didn't know me, would you think I was a stranger ?
Praise does wonders for the sense of hearing.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Appreciate me now, and avoid the rush.
Changes in life are not only possible and predictable, but to deny them is to be an accomplice to one's own unnecessary vegetation.
Most appreciated after dinner speech - I'll pay the check.
Girls got balls. They're just a little higher up, that's all.
I know that I will die laughing.
As a writer, I tell stories and people give me money. Then financial planners tell me stories, and I give them money.
I can levitate birds, but nobody cares.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
Tonight's weather forecast - dark, with continued darkness until morning.
Title of newspaper article yesterday - Vandals made off with all toilet seats in the local precinct. Police have nothing to go on.
Sign: "Illiterate? Write for free help."
Time is the great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
Without music, life would be a mistake.
In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations – it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
If you ever feel like having a child, go to a restaurant and sit next to one.
Whenever I think of the past it just brings back so many memories.
I make wine at home. I make it out of raisins so that it will be aged automatically.
It's like, I became such a good person, I almost forgot... I'm a world class liar, baby !
Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are made.
Our furniture goes back to louis the fourteenth - unless of course we pay him before then.
No matter where you go, there you are.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
In Heaven the economy is run by the Germans, the French do the cooking, and the police are English. In Hell the economy is run by the French, the English do the cooking, and the police are German.
Listen, I have an update from Taako Central. I've updated my list of people I trust and things I believe to no one and nothing ! Not a joke, I don't trust you, half-pint, I don't trust Jeff from Today's Special, I don't trust Barold whatever-his-name - nobody, I trust nobody.
If I had more time, I'd write a shorter speech.
Do you think that there is a word that contains all of the vowels? Unquestionably.
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb ? That depends on whether it has medical insurance.
Bad news, compadres, this place is magic as hell.
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb ? Just one, but it requires 21 office visits and 4 X-rays.
To err is human. To really screw up, you need a computer.
Bumper Sticker - Join the Army. See the world, travel to far away places, meet exotic people and kill them.
"I guess our offense was boring me a little bit" - when asked about dozing off on the sideline.
Press forsake! Go ahead and press 'forsake now' !
Is it just me or is the grim reaper a straight-up hottie ?
I don't give a shit.
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.
Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I find it too confining.
I may not be perfect, but some parts of me are excellent.
What's another word for thesaurus ?
How can you tell the difference between a run-over snake and a run-over lawyer? There are skid marks in front of the snake.
I'm Multi-Dimensional !
When you shoot a mime, should you use blanks ?
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Congress is the only insane asylum that's run by the inmates.
A lawyer dies and goes to hell. The devil says he'll make a deal with him. He can go to heaven if he gives up the souls of his wife and two kids. 'Sure' says the lawyer, 'but what's the catch ? '
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.