Funny Quotes
At ten years old I actually thought that the reason I was getting glasses was that I couldn't tell what my parents looked like, because every time I asked my mother to buy me something she'd say, 'What do I look like - a bank ?'
It's like, I became such a good person, I almost forgot... I'm a world class liar, baby !
Bad news, compadres, this place is magic as hell.
How can you tell the difference between a run-over snake and a run-over lawyer? There are skid marks in front of the snake.
In Heaven the economy is run by the Germans, the French do the cooking, and the police are English. In Hell the economy is run by the French, the English do the cooking, and the police are German.
Think of me as a sex symbol for men who don't give a damn.
Sign: "Illiterate? Write for free help."
Between this fan and the fancy sunbrella, I'm one 16 inch waist away from Scarlett O'Hara !
I know that I will die laughing.
Listen, I have an update from Taako Central. I've updated my list of people I trust and things I believe to no one and nothing ! Not a joke, I don't trust you, half-pint, I don't trust Jeff from Today's Special, I don't trust Barold whatever-his-name - nobody, I trust nobody.
Bumper Sticker - Join the Army. See the world, travel to far away places, meet exotic people and kill them.
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.
If you ever feel like having a child, go to a restaurant and sit next to one.
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb ? That depends on whether it has medical insurance.
Congress is the only insane asylum that's run by the inmates.
If I had more time, I'd write a shorter speech.
Appreciate me now, and avoid the rush.
Without music, life would be a mistake.
Do you think that there is a word that contains all of the vowels? Unquestionably.
Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I find it too confining.
Love may make the world go around, but it's laughter that keeps us from getting dizzy.
Changes in life are not only possible and predictable, but to deny them is to be an accomplice to one's own unnecessary vegetation.
Whenever I think of the past it just brings back so many memories.
The only reason I would take up jogging would be to hear heavy breathing again.
I can levitate birds, but nobody cares.
"I guess our offense was boring me a little bit" - when asked about dozing off on the sideline.
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
I don't give a shit.
Is it just me or is the grim reaper a straight-up hottie ?
What's another word for thesaurus ?
When you shoot a mime, should you use blanks ?
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Our furniture goes back to louis the fourteenth - unless of course we pay him before then.
Time is the great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
To err is human. To really screw up, you need a computer.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
No matter where you go, there you are.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
I'm Multi-Dimensional !
Press forsake! Go ahead and press 'forsake now' !
I may not be perfect, but some parts of me are excellent.
Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are made.
In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations – it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
Tonight's weather forecast - dark, with continued darkness until morning.
Girls got balls. They're just a little higher up, that's all.
Most appreciated after dinner speech - I'll pay the check.
A lawyer dies and goes to hell. The devil says he'll make a deal with him. He can go to heaven if he gives up the souls of his wife and two kids. 'Sure' says the lawyer, 'but what's the catch ? '
Title of newspaper article yesterday - Vandals made off with all toilet seats in the local precinct. Police have nothing to go on.
I make wine at home. I make it out of raisins so that it will be aged automatically.