Funny Quotes
Praise does wonders for the sense of hearing.
A lawyer dies and goes to hell. The devil says he'll make a deal with him. He can go to heaven if he gives up the souls of his wife and two kids. 'Sure' says the lawyer, 'but what's the catch ? '
Sign: "Illiterate? Write for free help."
I can levitate birds, but nobody cares.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
No matter where you go, there you are.
Bad news, compadres, this place is magic as hell.
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.
In Heaven the economy is run by the Germans, the French do the cooking, and the police are English. In Hell the economy is run by the French, the English do the cooking, and the police are German.
At ten years old I actually thought that the reason I was getting glasses was that I couldn't tell what my parents looked like, because every time I asked my mother to buy me something she'd say, 'What do I look like - a bank ?'
Changes in life are not only possible and predictable, but to deny them is to be an accomplice to one's own unnecessary vegetation.
Without music, life would be a mistake.
Congress is the only insane asylum that's run by the inmates.
It's like, I became such a good person, I almost forgot... I'm a world class liar, baby !
To err is human. To really screw up, you need a computer.
Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are made.
If you ever feel like having a child, go to a restaurant and sit next to one.
Our furniture goes back to louis the fourteenth - unless of course we pay him before then.
Between this fan and the fancy sunbrella, I'm one 16 inch waist away from Scarlett O'Hara !
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I find it too confining.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Most appreciated after dinner speech - I'll pay the check.
Love may make the world go around, but it's laughter that keeps us from getting dizzy.
As a writer, I tell stories and people give me money. Then financial planners tell me stories, and I give them money.
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb ? That depends on whether it has medical insurance.
When you shoot a mime, should you use blanks ?
The only reason I would take up jogging would be to hear heavy breathing again.
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
I make wine at home. I make it out of raisins so that it will be aged automatically.
Press forsake! Go ahead and press 'forsake now' !
I don't give a shit.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.
If you didn't know me, would you think I was a stranger ?
In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations – it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
Do you think that there is a word that contains all of the vowels? Unquestionably.
Girls got balls. They're just a little higher up, that's all.
Whenever I think of the past it just brings back so many memories.
Tonight's weather forecast - dark, with continued darkness until morning.
What's another word for thesaurus ?
I'm Multi-Dimensional !
Time is the great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
Bumper Sticker - Join the Army. See the world, travel to far away places, meet exotic people and kill them.
Think of me as a sex symbol for men who don't give a damn.
"I guess our offense was boring me a little bit" - when asked about dozing off on the sideline.
I may not be perfect, but some parts of me are excellent.
How can you tell the difference between a run-over snake and a run-over lawyer? There are skid marks in front of the snake.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
If I had more time, I'd write a shorter speech.
Appreciate me now, and avoid the rush.
Is it just me or is the grim reaper a straight-up hottie ?