Funny Quotes
If you ever feel like having a child, go to a restaurant and sit next to one.
No matter where you go, there you are.
A lawyer dies and goes to hell. The devil says he'll make a deal with him. He can go to heaven if he gives up the souls of his wife and two kids. 'Sure' says the lawyer, 'but what's the catch ? '
What's another word for thesaurus ?
Appreciate me now, and avoid the rush.
Do you think that there is a word that contains all of the vowels? Unquestionably.
How can you tell the difference between a run-over snake and a run-over lawyer? There are skid marks in front of the snake.
Is it just me or is the grim reaper a straight-up hottie ?
Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I find it too confining.
In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations – it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
Girls got balls. They're just a little higher up, that's all.
To err is human. To really screw up, you need a computer.
Praise does wonders for the sense of hearing.
Congress is the only insane asylum that's run by the inmates.
I don't give a shit.
Most appreciated after dinner speech - I'll pay the check.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Title of newspaper article yesterday - Vandals made off with all toilet seats in the local precinct. Police have nothing to go on.
I make wine at home. I make it out of raisins so that it will be aged automatically.
Without music, life would be a mistake.
I know that I will die laughing.
Whenever I think of the past it just brings back so many memories.
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
Between this fan and the fancy sunbrella, I'm one 16 inch waist away from Scarlett O'Hara !
As a writer, I tell stories and people give me money. Then financial planners tell me stories, and I give them money.
Listen, I have an update from Taako Central. I've updated my list of people I trust and things I believe to no one and nothing ! Not a joke, I don't trust you, half-pint, I don't trust Jeff from Today's Special, I don't trust Barold whatever-his-name - nobody, I trust nobody.
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb ? That depends on whether it has medical insurance.
Sign: "Illiterate? Write for free help."
The only reason I would take up jogging would be to hear heavy breathing again.
"I guess our offense was boring me a little bit" - when asked about dozing off on the sideline.
Time is the great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
When you shoot a mime, should you use blanks ?
Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are made.
Bad news, compadres, this place is magic as hell.
Bumper Sticker - Join the Army. See the world, travel to far away places, meet exotic people and kill them.
Press forsake! Go ahead and press 'forsake now' !
If I had more time, I'd write a shorter speech.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
If you didn't know me, would you think I was a stranger ?
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.
Changes in life are not only possible and predictable, but to deny them is to be an accomplice to one's own unnecessary vegetation.
Tonight's weather forecast - dark, with continued darkness until morning.
Think of me as a sex symbol for men who don't give a damn.
I can levitate birds, but nobody cares.
I'm Multi-Dimensional !
Love may make the world go around, but it's laughter that keeps us from getting dizzy.
It's like, I became such a good person, I almost forgot... I'm a world class liar, baby !
In Heaven the economy is run by the Germans, the French do the cooking, and the police are English. In Hell the economy is run by the French, the English do the cooking, and the police are German.
I may not be perfect, but some parts of me are excellent.
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.