Funny Quotes
If you didn't know me, would you think I was a stranger ?
Do you think that there is a word that contains all of the vowels? Unquestionably.
Bad news, compadres, this place is magic as hell.
How can you tell the difference between a run-over snake and a run-over lawyer? There are skid marks in front of the snake.
What's another word for thesaurus ?
Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I find it too confining.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
I may not be perfect, but some parts of me are excellent.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb ? That depends on whether it has medical insurance.
Congress is the only insane asylum that's run by the inmates.
Praise does wonders for the sense of hearing.
I know that I will die laughing.
Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are made.
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
Is it just me or is the grim reaper a straight-up hottie ?
Appreciate me now, and avoid the rush.
If I had more time, I'd write a shorter speech.
Sign: "Illiterate? Write for free help."
In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations – it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
Tonight's weather forecast - dark, with continued darkness until morning.
I make wine at home. I make it out of raisins so that it will be aged automatically.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
As a writer, I tell stories and people give me money. Then financial planners tell me stories, and I give them money.
Without music, life would be a mistake.
I can levitate birds, but nobody cares.
Time is the great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
Most appreciated after dinner speech - I'll pay the check.
Bumper Sticker - Join the Army. See the world, travel to far away places, meet exotic people and kill them.
A lawyer dies and goes to hell. The devil says he'll make a deal with him. He can go to heaven if he gives up the souls of his wife and two kids. 'Sure' says the lawyer, 'but what's the catch ? '
No matter where you go, there you are.
Press forsake! Go ahead and press 'forsake now' !
Whenever I think of the past it just brings back so many memories.
Love may make the world go around, but it's laughter that keeps us from getting dizzy.
The only reason I would take up jogging would be to hear heavy breathing again.
Think of me as a sex symbol for men who don't give a damn.
In Heaven the economy is run by the Germans, the French do the cooking, and the police are English. In Hell the economy is run by the French, the English do the cooking, and the police are German.
Between this fan and the fancy sunbrella, I'm one 16 inch waist away from Scarlett O'Hara !
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Title of newspaper article yesterday - Vandals made off with all toilet seats in the local precinct. Police have nothing to go on.
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb ? Just one, but it requires 21 office visits and 4 X-rays.
I'm Multi-Dimensional !
"I guess our offense was boring me a little bit" - when asked about dozing off on the sideline.
Changes in life are not only possible and predictable, but to deny them is to be an accomplice to one's own unnecessary vegetation.
I don't give a shit.
It's like, I became such a good person, I almost forgot... I'm a world class liar, baby !
Our furniture goes back to louis the fourteenth - unless of course we pay him before then.
To err is human. To really screw up, you need a computer.
If you ever feel like having a child, go to a restaurant and sit next to one.