Funny Quotes
Tonight's weather forecast - dark, with continued darkness until morning.
When you shoot a mime, should you use blanks ?
At ten years old I actually thought that the reason I was getting glasses was that I couldn't tell what my parents looked like, because every time I asked my mother to buy me something she'd say, 'What do I look like - a bank ?'
Appreciate me now, and avoid the rush.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I find it too confining.
Bad news, compadres, this place is magic as hell.
Title of newspaper article yesterday - Vandals made off with all toilet seats in the local precinct. Police have nothing to go on.
Congress is the only insane asylum that's run by the inmates.
If I had more time, I'd write a shorter speech.
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
I don't give a shit.
In Heaven the economy is run by the Germans, the French do the cooking, and the police are English. In Hell the economy is run by the French, the English do the cooking, and the police are German.
If you ever feel like having a child, go to a restaurant and sit next to one.
Bumper Sticker - Join the Army. See the world, travel to far away places, meet exotic people and kill them.
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb ? That depends on whether it has medical insurance.
Think of me as a sex symbol for men who don't give a damn.
Our furniture goes back to louis the fourteenth - unless of course we pay him before then.
How can you tell the difference between a run-over snake and a run-over lawyer? There are skid marks in front of the snake.
If you didn't know me, would you think I was a stranger ?
Between this fan and the fancy sunbrella, I'm one 16 inch waist away from Scarlett O'Hara !
"I guess our offense was boring me a little bit" - when asked about dozing off on the sideline.
Sign: "Illiterate? Write for free help."
I can levitate birds, but nobody cares.
Press forsake! Go ahead and press 'forsake now' !
The only reason I would take up jogging would be to hear heavy breathing again.
Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are made.
I know that I will die laughing.
No matter where you go, there you are.
Most appreciated after dinner speech - I'll pay the check.
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb ? Just one, but it requires 21 office visits and 4 X-rays.
It's like, I became such a good person, I almost forgot... I'm a world class liar, baby !
I'm Multi-Dimensional !
Love may make the world go around, but it's laughter that keeps us from getting dizzy.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
As a writer, I tell stories and people give me money. Then financial planners tell me stories, and I give them money.
What's another word for thesaurus ?
I may not be perfect, but some parts of me are excellent.
Changes in life are not only possible and predictable, but to deny them is to be an accomplice to one's own unnecessary vegetation.
Girls got balls. They're just a little higher up, that's all.
Praise does wonders for the sense of hearing.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.
Without music, life would be a mistake.
In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations – it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
I make wine at home. I make it out of raisins so that it will be aged automatically.
A lawyer dies and goes to hell. The devil says he'll make a deal with him. He can go to heaven if he gives up the souls of his wife and two kids. 'Sure' says the lawyer, 'but what's the catch ? '
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Is it just me or is the grim reaper a straight-up hottie ?
Whenever I think of the past it just brings back so many memories.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
Do you think that there is a word that contains all of the vowels? Unquestionably.