Funny Quotes
Love may make the world go around, but it's laughter that keeps us from getting dizzy.
"I guess our offense was boring me a little bit" - when asked about dozing off on the sideline.
Do you think that there is a word that contains all of the vowels? Unquestionably.
Most appreciated after dinner speech - I'll pay the check.
Congress is the only insane asylum that's run by the inmates.
Title of newspaper article yesterday - Vandals made off with all toilet seats in the local precinct. Police have nothing to go on.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I find it too confining.
Praise does wonders for the sense of hearing.
In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations – it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
Bad news, compadres, this place is magic as hell.
I make wine at home. I make it out of raisins so that it will be aged automatically.
Girls got balls. They're just a little higher up, that's all.
Without music, life would be a mistake.
To err is human. To really screw up, you need a computer.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb ? Just one, but it requires 21 office visits and 4 X-rays.
If I had more time, I'd write a shorter speech.
How can you tell the difference between a run-over snake and a run-over lawyer? There are skid marks in front of the snake.
No matter where you go, there you are.
I'm Multi-Dimensional !
Think of me as a sex symbol for men who don't give a damn.
I may not be perfect, but some parts of me are excellent.
Bumper Sticker - Join the Army. See the world, travel to far away places, meet exotic people and kill them.
I can levitate birds, but nobody cares.
I know that I will die laughing.
In Heaven the economy is run by the Germans, the French do the cooking, and the police are English. In Hell the economy is run by the French, the English do the cooking, and the police are German.
Whenever I think of the past it just brings back so many memories.
Time is the great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
When you shoot a mime, should you use blanks ?
As a writer, I tell stories and people give me money. Then financial planners tell me stories, and I give them money.
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
The only reason I would take up jogging would be to hear heavy breathing again.
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb ? That depends on whether it has medical insurance.
What's another word for thesaurus ?
Changes in life are not only possible and predictable, but to deny them is to be an accomplice to one's own unnecessary vegetation.
Our furniture goes back to louis the fourteenth - unless of course we pay him before then.
If you ever feel like having a child, go to a restaurant and sit next to one.
I don't give a shit.
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.
Between this fan and the fancy sunbrella, I'm one 16 inch waist away from Scarlett O'Hara !
Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are made.
Appreciate me now, and avoid the rush.
If you didn't know me, would you think I was a stranger ?
Press forsake! Go ahead and press 'forsake now' !
Tonight's weather forecast - dark, with continued darkness until morning.
A lawyer dies and goes to hell. The devil says he'll make a deal with him. He can go to heaven if he gives up the souls of his wife and two kids. 'Sure' says the lawyer, 'but what's the catch ? '
Sign: "Illiterate? Write for free help."
Is it just me or is the grim reaper a straight-up hottie ?