Funny Quotes
Between this fan and the fancy sunbrella, I'm one 16 inch waist away from Scarlett O'Hara !
Time is the great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations – it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
Press forsake! Go ahead and press 'forsake now' !
Do you think that there is a word that contains all of the vowels? Unquestionably.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
No matter where you go, there you are.
As a writer, I tell stories and people give me money. Then financial planners tell me stories, and I give them money.
Bad news, compadres, this place is magic as hell.
Congress is the only insane asylum that's run by the inmates.
What's another word for thesaurus ?
Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are made.
I may not be perfect, but some parts of me are excellent.
I can levitate birds, but nobody cares.
At ten years old I actually thought that the reason I was getting glasses was that I couldn't tell what my parents looked like, because every time I asked my mother to buy me something she'd say, 'What do I look like - a bank ?'
Is it just me or is the grim reaper a straight-up hottie ?
Girls got balls. They're just a little higher up, that's all.
When you shoot a mime, should you use blanks ?
Changes in life are not only possible and predictable, but to deny them is to be an accomplice to one's own unnecessary vegetation.
Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I find it too confining.
To err is human. To really screw up, you need a computer.
Appreciate me now, and avoid the rush.
Praise does wonders for the sense of hearing.
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
Love may make the world go around, but it's laughter that keeps us from getting dizzy.
Sign: "Illiterate? Write for free help."
I'm Multi-Dimensional !
If I had more time, I'd write a shorter speech.
Without music, life would be a mistake.
If you ever feel like having a child, go to a restaurant and sit next to one.
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb ? That depends on whether it has medical insurance.
Title of newspaper article yesterday - Vandals made off with all toilet seats in the local precinct. Police have nothing to go on.
I know that I will die laughing.
Most appreciated after dinner speech - I'll pay the check.
In Heaven the economy is run by the Germans, the French do the cooking, and the police are English. In Hell the economy is run by the French, the English do the cooking, and the police are German.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb ? Just one, but it requires 21 office visits and 4 X-rays.
If you didn't know me, would you think I was a stranger ?
It's like, I became such a good person, I almost forgot... I'm a world class liar, baby !
Our furniture goes back to louis the fourteenth - unless of course we pay him before then.
Tonight's weather forecast - dark, with continued darkness until morning.
Listen, I have an update from Taako Central. I've updated my list of people I trust and things I believe to no one and nothing ! Not a joke, I don't trust you, half-pint, I don't trust Jeff from Today's Special, I don't trust Barold whatever-his-name - nobody, I trust nobody.
I make wine at home. I make it out of raisins so that it will be aged automatically.
Bumper Sticker - Join the Army. See the world, travel to far away places, meet exotic people and kill them.
Whenever I think of the past it just brings back so many memories.
Think of me as a sex symbol for men who don't give a damn.
The only reason I would take up jogging would be to hear heavy breathing again.
I don't give a shit.
How can you tell the difference between a run-over snake and a run-over lawyer? There are skid marks in front of the snake.