Funny Quotes
Most appreciated after dinner speech - I'll pay the check.
I make wine at home. I make it out of raisins so that it will be aged automatically.
I'm Multi-Dimensional !
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb ? That depends on whether it has medical insurance.
I can levitate birds, but nobody cares.
How can you tell the difference between a run-over snake and a run-over lawyer? There are skid marks in front of the snake.
What's another word for thesaurus ?
If I had more time, I'd write a shorter speech.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
No matter where you go, there you are.
Whenever I think of the past it just brings back so many memories.
Is it just me or is the grim reaper a straight-up hottie ?
As a writer, I tell stories and people give me money. Then financial planners tell me stories, and I give them money.
Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are made.
I know that I will die laughing.
Title of newspaper article yesterday - Vandals made off with all toilet seats in the local precinct. Police have nothing to go on.
Changes in life are not only possible and predictable, but to deny them is to be an accomplice to one's own unnecessary vegetation.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
Between this fan and the fancy sunbrella, I'm one 16 inch waist away from Scarlett O'Hara !
At ten years old I actually thought that the reason I was getting glasses was that I couldn't tell what my parents looked like, because every time I asked my mother to buy me something she'd say, 'What do I look like - a bank ?'
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.
Listen, I have an update from Taako Central. I've updated my list of people I trust and things I believe to no one and nothing ! Not a joke, I don't trust you, half-pint, I don't trust Jeff from Today's Special, I don't trust Barold whatever-his-name - nobody, I trust nobody.
Without music, life would be a mistake.
Think of me as a sex symbol for men who don't give a damn.
A lawyer dies and goes to hell. The devil says he'll make a deal with him. He can go to heaven if he gives up the souls of his wife and two kids. 'Sure' says the lawyer, 'but what's the catch ? '
If you ever feel like having a child, go to a restaurant and sit next to one.
Girls got balls. They're just a little higher up, that's all.
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb ? Just one, but it requires 21 office visits and 4 X-rays.
Time is the great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
When you shoot a mime, should you use blanks ?
Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I find it too confining.
To err is human. To really screw up, you need a computer.
Praise does wonders for the sense of hearing.
Congress is the only insane asylum that's run by the inmates.
I don't give a shit.
In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations – it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
If you didn't know me, would you think I was a stranger ?
Bumper Sticker - Join the Army. See the world, travel to far away places, meet exotic people and kill them.
In Heaven the economy is run by the Germans, the French do the cooking, and the police are English. In Hell the economy is run by the French, the English do the cooking, and the police are German.
Tonight's weather forecast - dark, with continued darkness until morning.
Appreciate me now, and avoid the rush.
Press forsake! Go ahead and press 'forsake now' !
Our furniture goes back to louis the fourteenth - unless of course we pay him before then.
"I guess our offense was boring me a little bit" - when asked about dozing off on the sideline.
The only reason I would take up jogging would be to hear heavy breathing again.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
It's like, I became such a good person, I almost forgot... I'm a world class liar, baby !
I may not be perfect, but some parts of me are excellent.
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