Funny Quotes
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb ? Just one, but it requires 21 office visits and 4 X-rays.
Tonight's weather forecast - dark, with continued darkness until morning.
As a writer, I tell stories and people give me money. Then financial planners tell me stories, and I give them money.
Our furniture goes back to louis the fourteenth - unless of course we pay him before then.
Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are made.
Without music, life would be a mistake.
Listen, I have an update from Taako Central. I've updated my list of people I trust and things I believe to no one and nothing ! Not a joke, I don't trust you, half-pint, I don't trust Jeff from Today's Special, I don't trust Barold whatever-his-name - nobody, I trust nobody.
If you didn't know me, would you think I was a stranger ?
Whenever I think of the past it just brings back so many memories.
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.
In Heaven the economy is run by the Germans, the French do the cooking, and the police are English. In Hell the economy is run by the French, the English do the cooking, and the police are German.
Girls got balls. They're just a little higher up, that's all.
"I guess our offense was boring me a little bit" - when asked about dozing off on the sideline.
What's another word for thesaurus ?
When you shoot a mime, should you use blanks ?
Is it just me or is the grim reaper a straight-up hottie ?
Love may make the world go around, but it's laughter that keeps us from getting dizzy.
Sign: "Illiterate? Write for free help."
If you ever feel like having a child, go to a restaurant and sit next to one.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
I can levitate birds, but nobody cares.
I don't give a shit.
I may not be perfect, but some parts of me are excellent.
I make wine at home. I make it out of raisins so that it will be aged automatically.
Title of newspaper article yesterday - Vandals made off with all toilet seats in the local precinct. Police have nothing to go on.
A lawyer dies and goes to hell. The devil says he'll make a deal with him. He can go to heaven if he gives up the souls of his wife and two kids. 'Sure' says the lawyer, 'but what's the catch ? '
Bad news, compadres, this place is magic as hell.
Most appreciated after dinner speech - I'll pay the check.
Between this fan and the fancy sunbrella, I'm one 16 inch waist away from Scarlett O'Hara !
Congress is the only insane asylum that's run by the inmates.
I'm Multi-Dimensional !
I know that I will die laughing.
To err is human. To really screw up, you need a computer.
Do you think that there is a word that contains all of the vowels? Unquestionably.
If I had more time, I'd write a shorter speech.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
Praise does wonders for the sense of hearing.
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb ? That depends on whether it has medical insurance.
Time is the great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
Press forsake! Go ahead and press 'forsake now' !
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
Changes in life are not only possible and predictable, but to deny them is to be an accomplice to one's own unnecessary vegetation.
It's like, I became such a good person, I almost forgot... I'm a world class liar, baby !
No matter where you go, there you are.
How can you tell the difference between a run-over snake and a run-over lawyer? There are skid marks in front of the snake.
In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations – it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.
The only reason I would take up jogging would be to hear heavy breathing again.
Appreciate me now, and avoid the rush.
Bumper Sticker - Join the Army. See the world, travel to far away places, meet exotic people and kill them.