Funny Quotes
As a writer, I tell stories and people give me money. Then financial planners tell me stories, and I give them money.
Time is the great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
I can levitate birds, but nobody cares.
Bumper Sticker - Join the Army. See the world, travel to far away places, meet exotic people and kill them.
Girls got balls. They're just a little higher up, that's all.
Bad news, compadres, this place is magic as hell.
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb ? That depends on whether it has medical insurance.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
Title of newspaper article yesterday - Vandals made off with all toilet seats in the local precinct. Police have nothing to go on.
Press forsake! Go ahead and press 'forsake now' !
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
If I had more time, I'd write a shorter speech.
Love may make the world go around, but it's laughter that keeps us from getting dizzy.
The only reason I would take up jogging would be to hear heavy breathing again.
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.
If you ever feel like having a child, go to a restaurant and sit next to one.
Do you think that there is a word that contains all of the vowels? Unquestionably.
Listen, I have an update from Taako Central. I've updated my list of people I trust and things I believe to no one and nothing ! Not a joke, I don't trust you, half-pint, I don't trust Jeff from Today's Special, I don't trust Barold whatever-his-name - nobody, I trust nobody.
I'm Multi-Dimensional !
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.
What's another word for thesaurus ?
Is it just me or is the grim reaper a straight-up hottie ?
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Tonight's weather forecast - dark, with continued darkness until morning.
Our furniture goes back to louis the fourteenth - unless of course we pay him before then.
When you shoot a mime, should you use blanks ?
Think of me as a sex symbol for men who don't give a damn.
At ten years old I actually thought that the reason I was getting glasses was that I couldn't tell what my parents looked like, because every time I asked my mother to buy me something she'd say, 'What do I look like - a bank ?'
Appreciate me now, and avoid the rush.
Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are made.
To err is human. To really screw up, you need a computer.
I know that I will die laughing.
Congress is the only insane asylum that's run by the inmates.
If you didn't know me, would you think I was a stranger ?
In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations – it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
How can you tell the difference between a run-over snake and a run-over lawyer? There are skid marks in front of the snake.
Most appreciated after dinner speech - I'll pay the check.
"I guess our offense was boring me a little bit" - when asked about dozing off on the sideline.
I make wine at home. I make it out of raisins so that it will be aged automatically.
Between this fan and the fancy sunbrella, I'm one 16 inch waist away from Scarlett O'Hara !
Praise does wonders for the sense of hearing.
In Heaven the economy is run by the Germans, the French do the cooking, and the police are English. In Hell the economy is run by the French, the English do the cooking, and the police are German.
Whenever I think of the past it just brings back so many memories.
I may not be perfect, but some parts of me are excellent.
Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I find it too confining.
Without music, life would be a mistake.
I don't give a shit.
Sign: "Illiterate? Write for free help."
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb ? Just one, but it requires 21 office visits and 4 X-rays.
A lawyer dies and goes to hell. The devil says he'll make a deal with him. He can go to heaven if he gives up the souls of his wife and two kids. 'Sure' says the lawyer, 'but what's the catch ? '