Funny Quotes
What's another word for thesaurus ?
Bumper Sticker - Join the Army. See the world, travel to far away places, meet exotic people and kill them.
In Heaven the economy is run by the Germans, the French do the cooking, and the police are English. In Hell the economy is run by the French, the English do the cooking, and the police are German.
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb ? That depends on whether it has medical insurance.
Is it just me or is the grim reaper a straight-up hottie ?
Sign: "Illiterate? Write for free help."
Praise does wonders for the sense of hearing.
To err is human. To really screw up, you need a computer.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Title of newspaper article yesterday - Vandals made off with all toilet seats in the local precinct. Police have nothing to go on.
Our furniture goes back to louis the fourteenth - unless of course we pay him before then.
I can levitate birds, but nobody cares.
I may not be perfect, but some parts of me are excellent.
Love may make the world go around, but it's laughter that keeps us from getting dizzy.
Bad news, compadres, this place is magic as hell.
Time is the great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
Press forsake! Go ahead and press 'forsake now' !
Do you think that there is a word that contains all of the vowels? Unquestionably.
When you shoot a mime, should you use blanks ?
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.
Whenever I think of the past it just brings back so many memories.
If I had more time, I'd write a shorter speech.
A lawyer dies and goes to hell. The devil says he'll make a deal with him. He can go to heaven if he gives up the souls of his wife and two kids. 'Sure' says the lawyer, 'but what's the catch ? '
Appreciate me now, and avoid the rush.
Congress is the only insane asylum that's run by the inmates.
Without music, life would be a mistake.
If you ever feel like having a child, go to a restaurant and sit next to one.
As a writer, I tell stories and people give me money. Then financial planners tell me stories, and I give them money.
I know that I will die laughing.
The only reason I would take up jogging would be to hear heavy breathing again.
I don't give a shit.
If you didn't know me, would you think I was a stranger ?
Changes in life are not only possible and predictable, but to deny them is to be an accomplice to one's own unnecessary vegetation.
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb ? Just one, but it requires 21 office visits and 4 X-rays.
I make wine at home. I make it out of raisins so that it will be aged automatically.
Think of me as a sex symbol for men who don't give a damn.
Girls got balls. They're just a little higher up, that's all.
It's like, I became such a good person, I almost forgot... I'm a world class liar, baby !
Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are made.
Most appreciated after dinner speech - I'll pay the check.
At ten years old I actually thought that the reason I was getting glasses was that I couldn't tell what my parents looked like, because every time I asked my mother to buy me something she'd say, 'What do I look like - a bank ?'
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Between this fan and the fancy sunbrella, I'm one 16 inch waist away from Scarlett O'Hara !
I'm Multi-Dimensional !
Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I find it too confining.
No matter where you go, there you are.
Listen, I have an update from Taako Central. I've updated my list of people I trust and things I believe to no one and nothing ! Not a joke, I don't trust you, half-pint, I don't trust Jeff from Today's Special, I don't trust Barold whatever-his-name - nobody, I trust nobody.
How can you tell the difference between a run-over snake and a run-over lawyer? There are skid marks in front of the snake.
In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations – it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
"I guess our offense was boring me a little bit" - when asked about dozing off on the sideline.