Funny Quotes
At ten years old I actually thought that the reason I was getting glasses was that I couldn't tell what my parents looked like, because every time I asked my mother to buy me something she'd say, 'What do I look like - a bank ?'
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
Most appreciated after dinner speech - I'll pay the check.
Changes in life are not only possible and predictable, but to deny them is to be an accomplice to one's own unnecessary vegetation.
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb ? That depends on whether it has medical insurance.
Title of newspaper article yesterday - Vandals made off with all toilet seats in the local precinct. Police have nothing to go on.
Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I find it too confining.
No matter where you go, there you are.
I can levitate birds, but nobody cares.
Press forsake! Go ahead and press 'forsake now' !
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
Do you think that there is a word that contains all of the vowels? Unquestionably.
What's another word for thesaurus ?
In Heaven the economy is run by the Germans, the French do the cooking, and the police are English. In Hell the economy is run by the French, the English do the cooking, and the police are German.
Bad news, compadres, this place is magic as hell.
As a writer, I tell stories and people give me money. Then financial planners tell me stories, and I give them money.
I know that I will die laughing.
Praise does wonders for the sense of hearing.
How can you tell the difference between a run-over snake and a run-over lawyer? There are skid marks in front of the snake.
Our furniture goes back to louis the fourteenth - unless of course we pay him before then.
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb ? Just one, but it requires 21 office visits and 4 X-rays.
To err is human. To really screw up, you need a computer.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Appreciate me now, and avoid the rush.
If you didn't know me, would you think I was a stranger ?
Tonight's weather forecast - dark, with continued darkness until morning.
Time is the great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
When you shoot a mime, should you use blanks ?
I may not be perfect, but some parts of me are excellent.
The only reason I would take up jogging would be to hear heavy breathing again.
It's like, I became such a good person, I almost forgot... I'm a world class liar, baby !
Whenever I think of the past it just brings back so many memories.
In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations – it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
Listen, I have an update from Taako Central. I've updated my list of people I trust and things I believe to no one and nothing ! Not a joke, I don't trust you, half-pint, I don't trust Jeff from Today's Special, I don't trust Barold whatever-his-name - nobody, I trust nobody.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
Is it just me or is the grim reaper a straight-up hottie ?
If I had more time, I'd write a shorter speech.
If you ever feel like having a child, go to a restaurant and sit next to one.
Sign: "Illiterate? Write for free help."
"I guess our offense was boring me a little bit" - when asked about dozing off on the sideline.
Think of me as a sex symbol for men who don't give a damn.
Between this fan and the fancy sunbrella, I'm one 16 inch waist away from Scarlett O'Hara !
I make wine at home. I make it out of raisins so that it will be aged automatically.
I'm Multi-Dimensional !
I don't give a shit.
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.
Girls got balls. They're just a little higher up, that's all.
Bumper Sticker - Join the Army. See the world, travel to far away places, meet exotic people and kill them.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.
Love may make the world go around, but it's laughter that keeps us from getting dizzy.