Funny Quotes
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
Changes in life are not only possible and predictable, but to deny them is to be an accomplice to one's own unnecessary vegetation.
In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations – it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
I'm Multi-Dimensional !
Think of me as a sex symbol for men who don't give a damn.
The only reason I would take up jogging would be to hear heavy breathing again.
Bumper Sticker - Join the Army. See the world, travel to far away places, meet exotic people and kill them.
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
Title of newspaper article yesterday - Vandals made off with all toilet seats in the local precinct. Police have nothing to go on.
Without music, life would be a mistake.
I can levitate birds, but nobody cares.
I know that I will die laughing.
To err is human. To really screw up, you need a computer.
Praise does wonders for the sense of hearing.
How can you tell the difference between a run-over snake and a run-over lawyer? There are skid marks in front of the snake.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.
At ten years old I actually thought that the reason I was getting glasses was that I couldn't tell what my parents looked like, because every time I asked my mother to buy me something she'd say, 'What do I look like - a bank ?'
Listen, I have an update from Taako Central. I've updated my list of people I trust and things I believe to no one and nothing ! Not a joke, I don't trust you, half-pint, I don't trust Jeff from Today's Special, I don't trust Barold whatever-his-name - nobody, I trust nobody.
Girls got balls. They're just a little higher up, that's all.
I make wine at home. I make it out of raisins so that it will be aged automatically.
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
I may not be perfect, but some parts of me are excellent.
No matter where you go, there you are.
Sign: "Illiterate? Write for free help."
Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I find it too confining.
As a writer, I tell stories and people give me money. Then financial planners tell me stories, and I give them money.
If you ever feel like having a child, go to a restaurant and sit next to one.
Our furniture goes back to louis the fourteenth - unless of course we pay him before then.
If I had more time, I'd write a shorter speech.
A lawyer dies and goes to hell. The devil says he'll make a deal with him. He can go to heaven if he gives up the souls of his wife and two kids. 'Sure' says the lawyer, 'but what's the catch ? '
Is it just me or is the grim reaper a straight-up hottie ?
If you didn't know me, would you think I was a stranger ?
Time is the great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are made.
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb ? That depends on whether it has medical insurance.
What's another word for thesaurus ?
Bad news, compadres, this place is magic as hell.
Do you think that there is a word that contains all of the vowels? Unquestionably.
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb ? Just one, but it requires 21 office visits and 4 X-rays.
Most appreciated after dinner speech - I'll pay the check.
Love may make the world go around, but it's laughter that keeps us from getting dizzy.
When you shoot a mime, should you use blanks ?
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
I don't give a shit.
Whenever I think of the past it just brings back so many memories.
Appreciate me now, and avoid the rush.
Congress is the only insane asylum that's run by the inmates.
Tonight's weather forecast - dark, with continued darkness until morning.
It's like, I became such a good person, I almost forgot... I'm a world class liar, baby !
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.