Funny Quotes
Love may make the world go around, but it's laughter that keeps us from getting dizzy.
Congress is the only insane asylum that's run by the inmates.
Sign: "Illiterate? Write for free help."
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb ? Just one, but it requires 21 office visits and 4 X-rays.
Do you think that there is a word that contains all of the vowels? Unquestionably.
Tonight's weather forecast - dark, with continued darkness until morning.
When you shoot a mime, should you use blanks ?
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
Press forsake! Go ahead and press 'forsake now' !
Between this fan and the fancy sunbrella, I'm one 16 inch waist away from Scarlett O'Hara !
Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I find it too confining.
A lawyer dies and goes to hell. The devil says he'll make a deal with him. He can go to heaven if he gives up the souls of his wife and two kids. 'Sure' says the lawyer, 'but what's the catch ? '
Without music, life would be a mistake.
I make wine at home. I make it out of raisins so that it will be aged automatically.
The only reason I would take up jogging would be to hear heavy breathing again.
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.
I'm Multi-Dimensional !
Whenever I think of the past it just brings back so many memories.
I don't give a shit.
Our furniture goes back to louis the fourteenth - unless of course we pay him before then.
Think of me as a sex symbol for men who don't give a damn.
Time is the great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
Listen, I have an update from Taako Central. I've updated my list of people I trust and things I believe to no one and nothing ! Not a joke, I don't trust you, half-pint, I don't trust Jeff from Today's Special, I don't trust Barold whatever-his-name - nobody, I trust nobody.
Changes in life are not only possible and predictable, but to deny them is to be an accomplice to one's own unnecessary vegetation.
Is it just me or is the grim reaper a straight-up hottie ?
In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations – it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
As a writer, I tell stories and people give me money. Then financial planners tell me stories, and I give them money.
To err is human. To really screw up, you need a computer.
Most appreciated after dinner speech - I'll pay the check.
Appreciate me now, and avoid the rush.
Praise does wonders for the sense of hearing.
Title of newspaper article yesterday - Vandals made off with all toilet seats in the local precinct. Police have nothing to go on.
Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are made.
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb ? That depends on whether it has medical insurance.
I can levitate birds, but nobody cares.
No matter where you go, there you are.
What's another word for thesaurus ?
If you ever feel like having a child, go to a restaurant and sit next to one.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
If I had more time, I'd write a shorter speech.
Girls got balls. They're just a little higher up, that's all.
I know that I will die laughing.
At ten years old I actually thought that the reason I was getting glasses was that I couldn't tell what my parents looked like, because every time I asked my mother to buy me something she'd say, 'What do I look like - a bank ?'
I may not be perfect, but some parts of me are excellent.
If you didn't know me, would you think I was a stranger ?
In Heaven the economy is run by the Germans, the French do the cooking, and the police are English. In Hell the economy is run by the French, the English do the cooking, and the police are German.
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
"I guess our offense was boring me a little bit" - when asked about dozing off on the sideline.