Funny Quotes
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
To err is human. To really screw up, you need a computer.
Think of me as a sex symbol for men who don't give a damn.
A lawyer dies and goes to hell. The devil says he'll make a deal with him. He can go to heaven if he gives up the souls of his wife and two kids. 'Sure' says the lawyer, 'but what's the catch ? '
As a writer, I tell stories and people give me money. Then financial planners tell me stories, and I give them money.
I don't give a shit.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
Without music, life would be a mistake.
The only reason I would take up jogging would be to hear heavy breathing again.
I can levitate birds, but nobody cares.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Title of newspaper article yesterday - Vandals made off with all toilet seats in the local precinct. Police have nothing to go on.
Time is the great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
Love may make the world go around, but it's laughter that keeps us from getting dizzy.
Press forsake! Go ahead and press 'forsake now' !
Bumper Sticker - Join the Army. See the world, travel to far away places, meet exotic people and kill them.
Between this fan and the fancy sunbrella, I'm one 16 inch waist away from Scarlett O'Hara !
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
At ten years old I actually thought that the reason I was getting glasses was that I couldn't tell what my parents looked like, because every time I asked my mother to buy me something she'd say, 'What do I look like - a bank ?'
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb ? Just one, but it requires 21 office visits and 4 X-rays.
If you ever feel like having a child, go to a restaurant and sit next to one.
How can you tell the difference between a run-over snake and a run-over lawyer? There are skid marks in front of the snake.
If you didn't know me, would you think I was a stranger ?
Changes in life are not only possible and predictable, but to deny them is to be an accomplice to one's own unnecessary vegetation.
No matter where you go, there you are.
In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations – it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are made.
"I guess our offense was boring me a little bit" - when asked about dozing off on the sideline.
Congress is the only insane asylum that's run by the inmates.
When you shoot a mime, should you use blanks ?
I make wine at home. I make it out of raisins so that it will be aged automatically.
Our furniture goes back to louis the fourteenth - unless of course we pay him before then.
Listen, I have an update from Taako Central. I've updated my list of people I trust and things I believe to no one and nothing ! Not a joke, I don't trust you, half-pint, I don't trust Jeff from Today's Special, I don't trust Barold whatever-his-name - nobody, I trust nobody.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
I'm Multi-Dimensional !
Most appreciated after dinner speech - I'll pay the check.
I know that I will die laughing.
Sign: "Illiterate? Write for free help."
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb ? That depends on whether it has medical insurance.
Whenever I think of the past it just brings back so many memories.
Is it just me or is the grim reaper a straight-up hottie ?
If I had more time, I'd write a shorter speech.
Praise does wonders for the sense of hearing.
Appreciate me now, and avoid the rush.
It's like, I became such a good person, I almost forgot... I'm a world class liar, baby !
Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I find it too confining.
Do you think that there is a word that contains all of the vowels? Unquestionably.
Girls got balls. They're just a little higher up, that's all.
Tonight's weather forecast - dark, with continued darkness until morning.
What's another word for thesaurus ?