Funny Quotes
It's like, I became such a good person, I almost forgot... I'm a world class liar, baby !
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
If you didn't know me, would you think I was a stranger ?
No matter where you go, there you are.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
Most appreciated after dinner speech - I'll pay the check.
I can levitate birds, but nobody cares.
If I had more time, I'd write a shorter speech.
In Heaven the economy is run by the Germans, the French do the cooking, and the police are English. In Hell the economy is run by the French, the English do the cooking, and the police are German.
The only reason I would take up jogging would be to hear heavy breathing again.
Listen, I have an update from Taako Central. I've updated my list of people I trust and things I believe to no one and nothing ! Not a joke, I don't trust you, half-pint, I don't trust Jeff from Today's Special, I don't trust Barold whatever-his-name - nobody, I trust nobody.
Sign: "Illiterate? Write for free help."
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.
Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are made.
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb ? That depends on whether it has medical insurance.
I don't give a shit.
Tonight's weather forecast - dark, with continued darkness until morning.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
To err is human. To really screw up, you need a computer.
A lawyer dies and goes to hell. The devil says he'll make a deal with him. He can go to heaven if he gives up the souls of his wife and two kids. 'Sure' says the lawyer, 'but what's the catch ? '
Love may make the world go around, but it's laughter that keeps us from getting dizzy.
Press forsake! Go ahead and press 'forsake now' !
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.
Without music, life would be a mistake.
Girls got balls. They're just a little higher up, that's all.
Appreciate me now, and avoid the rush.
"I guess our offense was boring me a little bit" - when asked about dozing off on the sideline.
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
At ten years old I actually thought that the reason I was getting glasses was that I couldn't tell what my parents looked like, because every time I asked my mother to buy me something she'd say, 'What do I look like - a bank ?'
Changes in life are not only possible and predictable, but to deny them is to be an accomplice to one's own unnecessary vegetation.
Praise does wonders for the sense of hearing.
How can you tell the difference between a run-over snake and a run-over lawyer? There are skid marks in front of the snake.
Do you think that there is a word that contains all of the vowels? Unquestionably.
Whenever I think of the past it just brings back so many memories.
I know that I will die laughing.
Between this fan and the fancy sunbrella, I'm one 16 inch waist away from Scarlett O'Hara !
Think of me as a sex symbol for men who don't give a damn.
Title of newspaper article yesterday - Vandals made off with all toilet seats in the local precinct. Police have nothing to go on.
If you ever feel like having a child, go to a restaurant and sit next to one.
I make wine at home. I make it out of raisins so that it will be aged automatically.
Bad news, compadres, this place is magic as hell.
Bumper Sticker - Join the Army. See the world, travel to far away places, meet exotic people and kill them.
Congress is the only insane asylum that's run by the inmates.
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb ? Just one, but it requires 21 office visits and 4 X-rays.
I'm Multi-Dimensional !
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
Is it just me or is the grim reaper a straight-up hottie ?
Our furniture goes back to louis the fourteenth - unless of course we pay him before then.
What's another word for thesaurus ?
Time is the great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations – it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.