Funny Quotes
I may not be perfect, but some parts of me are excellent.
To err is human. To really screw up, you need a computer.
As a writer, I tell stories and people give me money. Then financial planners tell me stories, and I give them money.
Bumper Sticker - Join the Army. See the world, travel to far away places, meet exotic people and kill them.
If you ever feel like having a child, go to a restaurant and sit next to one.
At ten years old I actually thought that the reason I was getting glasses was that I couldn't tell what my parents looked like, because every time I asked my mother to buy me something she'd say, 'What do I look like - a bank ?'
Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are made.
Praise does wonders for the sense of hearing.
Appreciate me now, and avoid the rush.
The only reason I would take up jogging would be to hear heavy breathing again.
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.
Tonight's weather forecast - dark, with continued darkness until morning.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
I don't give a shit.
A lawyer dies and goes to hell. The devil says he'll make a deal with him. He can go to heaven if he gives up the souls of his wife and two kids. 'Sure' says the lawyer, 'but what's the catch ? '
If I had more time, I'd write a shorter speech.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Is it just me or is the grim reaper a straight-up hottie ?
Sign: "Illiterate? Write for free help."
Changes in life are not only possible and predictable, but to deny them is to be an accomplice to one's own unnecessary vegetation.
Love may make the world go around, but it's laughter that keeps us from getting dizzy.
Press forsake! Go ahead and press 'forsake now' !
I can levitate birds, but nobody cares.
What's another word for thesaurus ?
No matter where you go, there you are.
It's like, I became such a good person, I almost forgot... I'm a world class liar, baby !
Bad news, compadres, this place is magic as hell.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
I make wine at home. I make it out of raisins so that it will be aged automatically.
Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I find it too confining.
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb ? Just one, but it requires 21 office visits and 4 X-rays.
Title of newspaper article yesterday - Vandals made off with all toilet seats in the local precinct. Police have nothing to go on.
I know that I will die laughing.
If you didn't know me, would you think I was a stranger ?
Listen, I have an update from Taako Central. I've updated my list of people I trust and things I believe to no one and nothing ! Not a joke, I don't trust you, half-pint, I don't trust Jeff from Today's Special, I don't trust Barold whatever-his-name - nobody, I trust nobody.
Girls got balls. They're just a little higher up, that's all.
When you shoot a mime, should you use blanks ?
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb ? That depends on whether it has medical insurance.
"I guess our offense was boring me a little bit" - when asked about dozing off on the sideline.
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.
Our furniture goes back to louis the fourteenth - unless of course we pay him before then.
Think of me as a sex symbol for men who don't give a damn.
In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations – it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
Whenever I think of the past it just brings back so many memories.
How can you tell the difference between a run-over snake and a run-over lawyer? There are skid marks in front of the snake.
Time is the great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
I'm Multi-Dimensional !
Most appreciated after dinner speech - I'll pay the check.
Congress is the only insane asylum that's run by the inmates.