Funny Quotes
"I guess our offense was boring me a little bit" - when asked about dozing off on the sideline.
How can you tell the difference between a run-over snake and a run-over lawyer? There are skid marks in front of the snake.
In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations – it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
Whenever I think of the past it just brings back so many memories.
To err is human. To really screw up, you need a computer.
Our furniture goes back to louis the fourteenth - unless of course we pay him before then.
The only reason I would take up jogging would be to hear heavy breathing again.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
If you ever feel like having a child, go to a restaurant and sit next to one.
When you shoot a mime, should you use blanks ?
If you didn't know me, would you think I was a stranger ?
I know that I will die laughing.
Most appreciated after dinner speech - I'll pay the check.
Between this fan and the fancy sunbrella, I'm one 16 inch waist away from Scarlett O'Hara !
I may not be perfect, but some parts of me are excellent.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
Listen, I have an update from Taako Central. I've updated my list of people I trust and things I believe to no one and nothing ! Not a joke, I don't trust you, half-pint, I don't trust Jeff from Today's Special, I don't trust Barold whatever-his-name - nobody, I trust nobody.
I don't give a shit.
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb ? That depends on whether it has medical insurance.
What's another word for thesaurus ?
In Heaven the economy is run by the Germans, the French do the cooking, and the police are English. In Hell the economy is run by the French, the English do the cooking, and the police are German.
Sign: "Illiterate? Write for free help."
If I had more time, I'd write a shorter speech.
Girls got balls. They're just a little higher up, that's all.
I'm Multi-Dimensional !
Bumper Sticker - Join the Army. See the world, travel to far away places, meet exotic people and kill them.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
As a writer, I tell stories and people give me money. Then financial planners tell me stories, and I give them money.
I can levitate birds, but nobody cares.
Appreciate me now, and avoid the rush.
No matter where you go, there you are.
Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I find it too confining.
Title of newspaper article yesterday - Vandals made off with all toilet seats in the local precinct. Police have nothing to go on.
Tonight's weather forecast - dark, with continued darkness until morning.
Time is the great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
Press forsake! Go ahead and press 'forsake now' !
Congress is the only insane asylum that's run by the inmates.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.
Do you think that there is a word that contains all of the vowels? Unquestionably.
Bad news, compadres, this place is magic as hell.
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
Without music, life would be a mistake.
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.
I make wine at home. I make it out of raisins so that it will be aged automatically.
Think of me as a sex symbol for men who don't give a damn.
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb ? Just one, but it requires 21 office visits and 4 X-rays.
Changes in life are not only possible and predictable, but to deny them is to be an accomplice to one's own unnecessary vegetation.
Is it just me or is the grim reaper a straight-up hottie ?
Praise does wonders for the sense of hearing.
Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are made.