Funny Quotes
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.
Bumper Sticker - Join the Army. See the world, travel to far away places, meet exotic people and kill them.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
I don't give a shit.
Changes in life are not only possible and predictable, but to deny them is to be an accomplice to one's own unnecessary vegetation.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb ? Just one, but it requires 21 office visits and 4 X-rays.
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
I may not be perfect, but some parts of me are excellent.
Without music, life would be a mistake.
Time is the great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
I'm Multi-Dimensional !
Whenever I think of the past it just brings back so many memories.
The only reason I would take up jogging would be to hear heavy breathing again.
Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are made.
I know that I will die laughing.
How can you tell the difference between a run-over snake and a run-over lawyer? There are skid marks in front of the snake.
What's another word for thesaurus ?
"I guess our offense was boring me a little bit" - when asked about dozing off on the sideline.
Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I find it too confining.
Press forsake! Go ahead and press 'forsake now' !
Is it just me or is the grim reaper a straight-up hottie ?
I can levitate birds, but nobody cares.
I make wine at home. I make it out of raisins so that it will be aged automatically.
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
Most appreciated after dinner speech - I'll pay the check.
Appreciate me now, and avoid the rush.
Praise does wonders for the sense of hearing.
If I had more time, I'd write a shorter speech.
Our furniture goes back to louis the fourteenth - unless of course we pay him before then.
If you ever feel like having a child, go to a restaurant and sit next to one.
Tonight's weather forecast - dark, with continued darkness until morning.
In Heaven the economy is run by the Germans, the French do the cooking, and the police are English. In Hell the economy is run by the French, the English do the cooking, and the police are German.
If you didn't know me, would you think I was a stranger ?
To err is human. To really screw up, you need a computer.
It's like, I became such a good person, I almost forgot... I'm a world class liar, baby !
Do you think that there is a word that contains all of the vowels? Unquestionably.
Love may make the world go around, but it's laughter that keeps us from getting dizzy.
Sign: "Illiterate? Write for free help."
Listen, I have an update from Taako Central. I've updated my list of people I trust and things I believe to no one and nothing ! Not a joke, I don't trust you, half-pint, I don't trust Jeff from Today's Special, I don't trust Barold whatever-his-name - nobody, I trust nobody.
Between this fan and the fancy sunbrella, I'm one 16 inch waist away from Scarlett O'Hara !
Girls got balls. They're just a little higher up, that's all.
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb ? That depends on whether it has medical insurance.
A lawyer dies and goes to hell. The devil says he'll make a deal with him. He can go to heaven if he gives up the souls of his wife and two kids. 'Sure' says the lawyer, 'but what's the catch ? '
No matter where you go, there you are.
When you shoot a mime, should you use blanks ?
In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations – it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
Think of me as a sex symbol for men who don't give a damn.
Bad news, compadres, this place is magic as hell.
Title of newspaper article yesterday - Vandals made off with all toilet seats in the local precinct. Police have nothing to go on.