Funny Quotes
Tonight's weather forecast - dark, with continued darkness until morning.
No matter where you go, there you are.
I'm Multi-Dimensional !
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb ? That depends on whether it has medical insurance.
Sign: "Illiterate? Write for free help."
Is it just me or is the grim reaper a straight-up hottie ?
Listen, I have an update from Taako Central. I've updated my list of people I trust and things I believe to no one and nothing ! Not a joke, I don't trust you, half-pint, I don't trust Jeff from Today's Special, I don't trust Barold whatever-his-name - nobody, I trust nobody.
In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations – it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
It's like, I became such a good person, I almost forgot... I'm a world class liar, baby !
Changes in life are not only possible and predictable, but to deny them is to be an accomplice to one's own unnecessary vegetation.
Bad news, compadres, this place is magic as hell.
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.
As a writer, I tell stories and people give me money. Then financial planners tell me stories, and I give them money.
If I had more time, I'd write a shorter speech.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Whenever I think of the past it just brings back so many memories.
How can you tell the difference between a run-over snake and a run-over lawyer? There are skid marks in front of the snake.
I make wine at home. I make it out of raisins so that it will be aged automatically.
When you shoot a mime, should you use blanks ?
Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are made.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
Title of newspaper article yesterday - Vandals made off with all toilet seats in the local precinct. Police have nothing to go on.
Congress is the only insane asylum that's run by the inmates.
I don't give a shit.
Between this fan and the fancy sunbrella, I'm one 16 inch waist away from Scarlett O'Hara !
Praise does wonders for the sense of hearing.
To err is human. To really screw up, you need a computer.
At ten years old I actually thought that the reason I was getting glasses was that I couldn't tell what my parents looked like, because every time I asked my mother to buy me something she'd say, 'What do I look like - a bank ?'
I may not be perfect, but some parts of me are excellent.
I know that I will die laughing.
Appreciate me now, and avoid the rush.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
I can levitate birds, but nobody cares.
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.
Time is the great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
Think of me as a sex symbol for men who don't give a damn.
Most appreciated after dinner speech - I'll pay the check.
If you ever feel like having a child, go to a restaurant and sit next to one.
A lawyer dies and goes to hell. The devil says he'll make a deal with him. He can go to heaven if he gives up the souls of his wife and two kids. 'Sure' says the lawyer, 'but what's the catch ? '
"I guess our offense was boring me a little bit" - when asked about dozing off on the sideline.
Bumper Sticker - Join the Army. See the world, travel to far away places, meet exotic people and kill them.
Without music, life would be a mistake.
Press forsake! Go ahead and press 'forsake now' !
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Love may make the world go around, but it's laughter that keeps us from getting dizzy.
Do you think that there is a word that contains all of the vowels? Unquestionably.
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb ? Just one, but it requires 21 office visits and 4 X-rays.
The only reason I would take up jogging would be to hear heavy breathing again.
If you didn't know me, would you think I was a stranger ?
Girls got balls. They're just a little higher up, that's all.