Funny Quotes
If you ever feel like having a child, go to a restaurant and sit next to one.
Time is the great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
Most appreciated after dinner speech - I'll pay the check.
Congress is the only insane asylum that's run by the inmates.
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
I may not be perfect, but some parts of me are excellent.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.
The only reason I would take up jogging would be to hear heavy breathing again.
Between this fan and the fancy sunbrella, I'm one 16 inch waist away from Scarlett O'Hara !
I don't give a shit.
I make wine at home. I make it out of raisins so that it will be aged automatically.
Sign: "Illiterate? Write for free help."
If I had more time, I'd write a shorter speech.
It's like, I became such a good person, I almost forgot... I'm a world class liar, baby !
In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations – it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
Tonight's weather forecast - dark, with continued darkness until morning.
"I guess our offense was boring me a little bit" - when asked about dozing off on the sideline.
Praise does wonders for the sense of hearing.
At ten years old I actually thought that the reason I was getting glasses was that I couldn't tell what my parents looked like, because every time I asked my mother to buy me something she'd say, 'What do I look like - a bank ?'
When you shoot a mime, should you use blanks ?
Whenever I think of the past it just brings back so many memories.
In Heaven the economy is run by the Germans, the French do the cooking, and the police are English. In Hell the economy is run by the French, the English do the cooking, and the police are German.
Changes in life are not only possible and predictable, but to deny them is to be an accomplice to one's own unnecessary vegetation.
I know that I will die laughing.
Bumper Sticker - Join the Army. See the world, travel to far away places, meet exotic people and kill them.
If you didn't know me, would you think I was a stranger ?
A lawyer dies and goes to hell. The devil says he'll make a deal with him. He can go to heaven if he gives up the souls of his wife and two kids. 'Sure' says the lawyer, 'but what's the catch ? '
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.
I'm Multi-Dimensional !
Think of me as a sex symbol for men who don't give a damn.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Is it just me or is the grim reaper a straight-up hottie ?
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb ? Just one, but it requires 21 office visits and 4 X-rays.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I find it too confining.
Press forsake! Go ahead and press 'forsake now' !
Do you think that there is a word that contains all of the vowels? Unquestionably.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
Love may make the world go around, but it's laughter that keeps us from getting dizzy.
Without music, life would be a mistake.
Bad news, compadres, this place is magic as hell.
Appreciate me now, and avoid the rush.
As a writer, I tell stories and people give me money. Then financial planners tell me stories, and I give them money.
No matter where you go, there you are.
I can levitate birds, but nobody cares.
Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are made.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
Title of newspaper article yesterday - Vandals made off with all toilet seats in the local precinct. Police have nothing to go on.
Girls got balls. They're just a little higher up, that's all.
Our furniture goes back to louis the fourteenth - unless of course we pay him before then.
To err is human. To really screw up, you need a computer.