Funny Quotes
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb ? That depends on whether it has medical insurance.
Girls got balls. They're just a little higher up, that's all.
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
Appreciate me now, and avoid the rush.
Praise does wonders for the sense of hearing.
I'm Multi-Dimensional !
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I find it too confining.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Without music, life would be a mistake.
Tonight's weather forecast - dark, with continued darkness until morning.
Listen, I have an update from Taako Central. I've updated my list of people I trust and things I believe to no one and nothing ! Not a joke, I don't trust you, half-pint, I don't trust Jeff from Today's Special, I don't trust Barold whatever-his-name - nobody, I trust nobody.
Time is the great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
I can levitate birds, but nobody cares.
In Heaven the economy is run by the Germans, the French do the cooking, and the police are English. In Hell the economy is run by the French, the English do the cooking, and the police are German.
Most appreciated after dinner speech - I'll pay the check.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations – it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
When you shoot a mime, should you use blanks ?
Title of newspaper article yesterday - Vandals made off with all toilet seats in the local precinct. Police have nothing to go on.
Bumper Sticker - Join the Army. See the world, travel to far away places, meet exotic people and kill them.
I don't give a shit.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.
Is it just me or is the grim reaper a straight-up hottie ?
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.
Congress is the only insane asylum that's run by the inmates.
No matter where you go, there you are.
Between this fan and the fancy sunbrella, I'm one 16 inch waist away from Scarlett O'Hara !
I make wine at home. I make it out of raisins so that it will be aged automatically.
Love may make the world go around, but it's laughter that keeps us from getting dizzy.
Changes in life are not only possible and predictable, but to deny them is to be an accomplice to one's own unnecessary vegetation.
"I guess our offense was boring me a little bit" - when asked about dozing off on the sideline.
Do you think that there is a word that contains all of the vowels? Unquestionably.
If you didn't know me, would you think I was a stranger ?
If you ever feel like having a child, go to a restaurant and sit next to one.
Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are made.
If I had more time, I'd write a shorter speech.
Think of me as a sex symbol for men who don't give a damn.
To err is human. To really screw up, you need a computer.
How can you tell the difference between a run-over snake and a run-over lawyer? There are skid marks in front of the snake.
It's like, I became such a good person, I almost forgot... I'm a world class liar, baby !
Whenever I think of the past it just brings back so many memories.
Press forsake! Go ahead and press 'forsake now' !
Bad news, compadres, this place is magic as hell.
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb ? Just one, but it requires 21 office visits and 4 X-rays.
What's another word for thesaurus ?
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
I know that I will die laughing.
Sign: "Illiterate? Write for free help."
The only reason I would take up jogging would be to hear heavy breathing again.
A lawyer dies and goes to hell. The devil says he'll make a deal with him. He can go to heaven if he gives up the souls of his wife and two kids. 'Sure' says the lawyer, 'but what's the catch ? '