Funny Quotes
Changes in life are not only possible and predictable, but to deny them is to be an accomplice to one's own unnecessary vegetation.
Our furniture goes back to louis the fourteenth - unless of course we pay him before then.
As a writer, I tell stories and people give me money. Then financial planners tell me stories, and I give them money.
Between this fan and the fancy sunbrella, I'm one 16 inch waist away from Scarlett O'Hara !
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.
I'm Multi-Dimensional !
I make wine at home. I make it out of raisins so that it will be aged automatically.
Appreciate me now, and avoid the rush.
Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I find it too confining.
Press forsake! Go ahead and press 'forsake now' !
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb ? Just one, but it requires 21 office visits and 4 X-rays.
In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations – it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
Time is the great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
Do you think that there is a word that contains all of the vowels? Unquestionably.
Think of me as a sex symbol for men who don't give a damn.
At ten years old I actually thought that the reason I was getting glasses was that I couldn't tell what my parents looked like, because every time I asked my mother to buy me something she'd say, 'What do I look like - a bank ?'
I can levitate birds, but nobody cares.
The only reason I would take up jogging would be to hear heavy breathing again.
When you shoot a mime, should you use blanks ?
Bad news, compadres, this place is magic as hell.
I know that I will die laughing.
I may not be perfect, but some parts of me are excellent.
Praise does wonders for the sense of hearing.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
Is it just me or is the grim reaper a straight-up hottie ?
Bumper Sticker - Join the Army. See the world, travel to far away places, meet exotic people and kill them.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
I don't give a shit.
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb ? That depends on whether it has medical insurance.
Whenever I think of the past it just brings back so many memories.
Girls got balls. They're just a little higher up, that's all.
Sign: "Illiterate? Write for free help."
What's another word for thesaurus ?
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
If you didn't know me, would you think I was a stranger ?
Without music, life would be a mistake.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
In Heaven the economy is run by the Germans, the French do the cooking, and the police are English. In Hell the economy is run by the French, the English do the cooking, and the police are German.
Tonight's weather forecast - dark, with continued darkness until morning.
Listen, I have an update from Taako Central. I've updated my list of people I trust and things I believe to no one and nothing ! Not a joke, I don't trust you, half-pint, I don't trust Jeff from Today's Special, I don't trust Barold whatever-his-name - nobody, I trust nobody.
To err is human. To really screw up, you need a computer.
How can you tell the difference between a run-over snake and a run-over lawyer? There are skid marks in front of the snake.
If I had more time, I'd write a shorter speech.
Title of newspaper article yesterday - Vandals made off with all toilet seats in the local precinct. Police have nothing to go on.
Congress is the only insane asylum that's run by the inmates.
"I guess our offense was boring me a little bit" - when asked about dozing off on the sideline.
If you ever feel like having a child, go to a restaurant and sit next to one.
Love may make the world go around, but it's laughter that keeps us from getting dizzy.
It's like, I became such a good person, I almost forgot... I'm a world class liar, baby !
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.
No matter where you go, there you are.