Funny Quotes
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
Love may make the world go around, but it's laughter that keeps us from getting dizzy.
Appreciate me now, and avoid the rush.
"I guess our offense was boring me a little bit" - when asked about dozing off on the sideline.
Bad news, compadres, this place is magic as hell.
I'm Multi-Dimensional !
Think of me as a sex symbol for men who don't give a damn.
Press forsake! Go ahead and press 'forsake now' !
Without music, life would be a mistake.
Most appreciated after dinner speech - I'll pay the check.
A lawyer dies and goes to hell. The devil says he'll make a deal with him. He can go to heaven if he gives up the souls of his wife and two kids. 'Sure' says the lawyer, 'but what's the catch ? '
Tonight's weather forecast - dark, with continued darkness until morning.
Sign: "Illiterate? Write for free help."
In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations – it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
If you didn't know me, would you think I was a stranger ?
Changes in life are not only possible and predictable, but to deny them is to be an accomplice to one's own unnecessary vegetation.
Between this fan and the fancy sunbrella, I'm one 16 inch waist away from Scarlett O'Hara !
Our furniture goes back to louis the fourteenth - unless of course we pay him before then.
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb ? That depends on whether it has medical insurance.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
I know that I will die laughing.
I make wine at home. I make it out of raisins so that it will be aged automatically.
To err is human. To really screw up, you need a computer.
Listen, I have an update from Taako Central. I've updated my list of people I trust and things I believe to no one and nothing ! Not a joke, I don't trust you, half-pint, I don't trust Jeff from Today's Special, I don't trust Barold whatever-his-name - nobody, I trust nobody.
I don't give a shit.
Praise does wonders for the sense of hearing.
When you shoot a mime, should you use blanks ?
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb ? Just one, but it requires 21 office visits and 4 X-rays.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
If you ever feel like having a child, go to a restaurant and sit next to one.
In Heaven the economy is run by the Germans, the French do the cooking, and the police are English. In Hell the economy is run by the French, the English do the cooking, and the police are German.
Girls got balls. They're just a little higher up, that's all.
Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are made.
No matter where you go, there you are.
It's like, I became such a good person, I almost forgot... I'm a world class liar, baby !
Bumper Sticker - Join the Army. See the world, travel to far away places, meet exotic people and kill them.
Time is the great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
What's another word for thesaurus ?
The only reason I would take up jogging would be to hear heavy breathing again.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.
I may not be perfect, but some parts of me are excellent.
As a writer, I tell stories and people give me money. Then financial planners tell me stories, and I give them money.
Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I find it too confining.
Do you think that there is a word that contains all of the vowels? Unquestionably.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Whenever I think of the past it just brings back so many memories.
How can you tell the difference between a run-over snake and a run-over lawyer? There are skid marks in front of the snake.
At ten years old I actually thought that the reason I was getting glasses was that I couldn't tell what my parents looked like, because every time I asked my mother to buy me something she'd say, 'What do I look like - a bank ?'
Congress is the only insane asylum that's run by the inmates.
Is it just me or is the grim reaper a straight-up hottie ?