Funny Quotes
At ten years old I actually thought that the reason I was getting glasses was that I couldn't tell what my parents looked like, because every time I asked my mother to buy me something she'd say, 'What do I look like - a bank ?'
I don't give a shit.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Whenever I think of the past it just brings back so many memories.
Between this fan and the fancy sunbrella, I'm one 16 inch waist away from Scarlett O'Hara !
Time is the great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
Our furniture goes back to louis the fourteenth - unless of course we pay him before then.
It's like, I became such a good person, I almost forgot... I'm a world class liar, baby !
Listen, I have an update from Taako Central. I've updated my list of people I trust and things I believe to no one and nothing ! Not a joke, I don't trust you, half-pint, I don't trust Jeff from Today's Special, I don't trust Barold whatever-his-name - nobody, I trust nobody.
No matter where you go, there you are.
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb ? Just one, but it requires 21 office visits and 4 X-rays.
Praise does wonders for the sense of hearing.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
Title of newspaper article yesterday - Vandals made off with all toilet seats in the local precinct. Police have nothing to go on.
Most appreciated after dinner speech - I'll pay the check.
If you ever feel like having a child, go to a restaurant and sit next to one.
Appreciate me now, and avoid the rush.
Sign: "Illiterate? Write for free help."
The only reason I would take up jogging would be to hear heavy breathing again.
I can levitate birds, but nobody cares.
In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations – it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
In Heaven the economy is run by the Germans, the French do the cooking, and the police are English. In Hell the economy is run by the French, the English do the cooking, and the police are German.
Congress is the only insane asylum that's run by the inmates.
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.
Is it just me or is the grim reaper a straight-up hottie ?
If I had more time, I'd write a shorter speech.
To err is human. To really screw up, you need a computer.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.
A lawyer dies and goes to hell. The devil says he'll make a deal with him. He can go to heaven if he gives up the souls of his wife and two kids. 'Sure' says the lawyer, 'but what's the catch ? '
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Without music, life would be a mistake.
Girls got balls. They're just a little higher up, that's all.
If you didn't know me, would you think I was a stranger ?
Changes in life are not only possible and predictable, but to deny them is to be an accomplice to one's own unnecessary vegetation.
Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I find it too confining.
Press forsake! Go ahead and press 'forsake now' !
I know that I will die laughing.
As a writer, I tell stories and people give me money. Then financial planners tell me stories, and I give them money.
Think of me as a sex symbol for men who don't give a damn.
I may not be perfect, but some parts of me are excellent.
When you shoot a mime, should you use blanks ?
Love may make the world go around, but it's laughter that keeps us from getting dizzy.
I'm Multi-Dimensional !
Bad news, compadres, this place is magic as hell.
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
Do you think that there is a word that contains all of the vowels? Unquestionably.
Tonight's weather forecast - dark, with continued darkness until morning.
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb ? That depends on whether it has medical insurance.
Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are made.
I make wine at home. I make it out of raisins so that it will be aged automatically.
How can you tell the difference between a run-over snake and a run-over lawyer? There are skid marks in front of the snake.