Funny Quotes
I don't give a shit.
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb ? That depends on whether it has medical insurance.
Tonight's weather forecast - dark, with continued darkness until morning.
Appreciate me now, and avoid the rush.
Changes in life are not only possible and predictable, but to deny them is to be an accomplice to one's own unnecessary vegetation.
Congress is the only insane asylum that's run by the inmates.
Time is the great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
Between this fan and the fancy sunbrella, I'm one 16 inch waist away from Scarlett O'Hara !
Whenever I think of the past it just brings back so many memories.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Without music, life would be a mistake.
Sign: "Illiterate? Write for free help."
Love may make the world go around, but it's laughter that keeps us from getting dizzy.
It's like, I became such a good person, I almost forgot... I'm a world class liar, baby !
Praise does wonders for the sense of hearing.
I know that I will die laughing.
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.
In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations – it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
Our furniture goes back to louis the fourteenth - unless of course we pay him before then.
Is it just me or is the grim reaper a straight-up hottie ?
Bad news, compadres, this place is magic as hell.
I'm Multi-Dimensional !
If you didn't know me, would you think I was a stranger ?
Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I find it too confining.
Bumper Sticker - Join the Army. See the world, travel to far away places, meet exotic people and kill them.
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
If I had more time, I'd write a shorter speech.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.
At ten years old I actually thought that the reason I was getting glasses was that I couldn't tell what my parents looked like, because every time I asked my mother to buy me something she'd say, 'What do I look like - a bank ?'
Listen, I have an update from Taako Central. I've updated my list of people I trust and things I believe to no one and nothing ! Not a joke, I don't trust you, half-pint, I don't trust Jeff from Today's Special, I don't trust Barold whatever-his-name - nobody, I trust nobody.
As a writer, I tell stories and people give me money. Then financial planners tell me stories, and I give them money.
When you shoot a mime, should you use blanks ?
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb ? Just one, but it requires 21 office visits and 4 X-rays.
How can you tell the difference between a run-over snake and a run-over lawyer? There are skid marks in front of the snake.
No matter where you go, there you are.
Press forsake! Go ahead and press 'forsake now' !
Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are made.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
If you ever feel like having a child, go to a restaurant and sit next to one.
I make wine at home. I make it out of raisins so that it will be aged automatically.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
In Heaven the economy is run by the Germans, the French do the cooking, and the police are English. In Hell the economy is run by the French, the English do the cooking, and the police are German.
Do you think that there is a word that contains all of the vowels? Unquestionably.
Think of me as a sex symbol for men who don't give a damn.
What's another word for thesaurus ?
Title of newspaper article yesterday - Vandals made off with all toilet seats in the local precinct. Police have nothing to go on.
The only reason I would take up jogging would be to hear heavy breathing again.
I may not be perfect, but some parts of me are excellent.
Most appreciated after dinner speech - I'll pay the check.
To err is human. To really screw up, you need a computer.