Funny Quotes
A lawyer dies and goes to hell. The devil says he'll make a deal with him. He can go to heaven if he gives up the souls of his wife and two kids. 'Sure' says the lawyer, 'but what's the catch ? '
I don't give a shit.
Between this fan and the fancy sunbrella, I'm one 16 inch waist away from Scarlett O'Hara !
Our furniture goes back to louis the fourteenth - unless of course we pay him before then.
It's like, I became such a good person, I almost forgot... I'm a world class liar, baby !
Love may make the world go around, but it's laughter that keeps us from getting dizzy.
If you didn't know me, would you think I was a stranger ?
Time is the great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
Girls got balls. They're just a little higher up, that's all.
When you shoot a mime, should you use blanks ?
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.
Appreciate me now, and avoid the rush.
No matter where you go, there you are.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
If you ever feel like having a child, go to a restaurant and sit next to one.
Tonight's weather forecast - dark, with continued darkness until morning.
As a writer, I tell stories and people give me money. Then financial planners tell me stories, and I give them money.
Press forsake! Go ahead and press 'forsake now' !
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
To err is human. To really screw up, you need a computer.
In Heaven the economy is run by the Germans, the French do the cooking, and the police are English. In Hell the economy is run by the French, the English do the cooking, and the police are German.
Is it just me or is the grim reaper a straight-up hottie ?
Think of me as a sex symbol for men who don't give a damn.
I make wine at home. I make it out of raisins so that it will be aged automatically.
Whenever I think of the past it just brings back so many memories.
I know that I will die laughing.
Most appreciated after dinner speech - I'll pay the check.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.
Changes in life are not only possible and predictable, but to deny them is to be an accomplice to one's own unnecessary vegetation.
How can you tell the difference between a run-over snake and a run-over lawyer? There are skid marks in front of the snake.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
I can levitate birds, but nobody cares.
Bad news, compadres, this place is magic as hell.
"I guess our offense was boring me a little bit" - when asked about dozing off on the sideline.
At ten years old I actually thought that the reason I was getting glasses was that I couldn't tell what my parents looked like, because every time I asked my mother to buy me something she'd say, 'What do I look like - a bank ?'
Without music, life would be a mistake.
Sign: "Illiterate? Write for free help."
I'm Multi-Dimensional !
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb ? That depends on whether it has medical insurance.
Title of newspaper article yesterday - Vandals made off with all toilet seats in the local precinct. Police have nothing to go on.
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb ? Just one, but it requires 21 office visits and 4 X-rays.
Congress is the only insane asylum that's run by the inmates.
What's another word for thesaurus ?
Praise does wonders for the sense of hearing.
Do you think that there is a word that contains all of the vowels? Unquestionably.
In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations – it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
The only reason I would take up jogging would be to hear heavy breathing again.
Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are made.
Listen, I have an update from Taako Central. I've updated my list of people I trust and things I believe to no one and nothing ! Not a joke, I don't trust you, half-pint, I don't trust Jeff from Today's Special, I don't trust Barold whatever-his-name - nobody, I trust nobody.